Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My Post- Gilead Dilemma (Commander)

      I would be lying if I said that I am exactly the same person as prior to Gilead. Physically, I appear exactly the same. However, throughout the course of Gilead’s existence I have discovered certain emotional and intellectual aspects about myself. When I first began devising plans for Gilead, the ideology and functionality behind a totalitarian society seemed flawless to me. It seemed to be the perfect solution for our declining population. But after living in the society that I first-handedly created, I realize that I genuinely miss having true relationships. Of course, I have the relationship with my wife and handmaids, but Gilead strips away any real emotion from these relationships. It all just feels so dishonest and forced… not like a relationship at all.

     At first I was convinced that I was just a little foolish. After all, I created this society myself. I wanted to believe that I was having a withdrawal from emotions because Gilead was still so new. However, I desired to have a conversation, to have eye contact and to just spend some time with the company of another person. My mind knew that what I was suffering was for the greater cause, but it drove me crazy to not be able to interact with anyone. It was as if I was trapped a bubble where I could only see these women but not do anything beyond that.
     The first time I invited a handmaid to my study, I was fully aware that it was against the rules…the rules that I created. During that first night, the reasoning behind creating Gilead kept running through my head. I could not stop thinking of all the rules that I was breaking and why I had created the rules in the first place. However my mind and body were telling me two different things. To be able to have a conversation with a woman just felt so normal. Even though it was against the rules I created,it just felt so right at the same time.


littlemissy said...

I will never forget the time we spent together in your study. Those few hours we would spent was an escape from the world Gilead trapped me in. Although I knew I could potentially be punished, I was just so relieved to be free, like a bird finally let out of its cage.

This may seem odd, but even though I knew you were responsible for creating Gilead, I didn't hate you. Your hunger for human contact made you seem relatable. Perhaps I was just so relieved to have at least some kind of a friendship. Or perhaps it was the activities we did that reminded me of the past life where I was free. Although I knew you were the creator of this monstrous world, I never did hate you.

- Offred

Post a Comment