Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My Lone Refusal to Conform (Moria)

I am completely alone. It seems as if everyone around me has chosen to simply accept the circumstances. Perhaps I am stupid for wanting to escape after already failing once, but I am determined to escape this hell.
Everything about Gilead is the exact opposite of what I believe in. It is as if the values of humanity have reversed and women are kept alive for the sole purpose of childbearing. Whatever happened to the years of fighting for freedom of sexuality? What about all the women who have fought for the right to vote and to be equal to men under the law? I cannot stop thinking about the countless protests, demonstrations and rallies that I have participated in. I still remember the joy and elation I felt when Obama first announced his support for gay marriage. The progression in women’s rights only happened because women fought with their blood, sweat and tears. But all of that is gone now. Just like that, years of hard work have been erased from history.  

All of my rights have been painfully stripped away from me. My every action- socializing, reading, eating, even bathing is restricted. I am treated like a cow, pampered by my  ‘owners’ for the sole purpose of fulfilling their desires. In my case, all that matters to Gilead is populating the country.  It pains me to know that my womb is far more valuable than my thoughts will ever be.  Whenever I see the tattoo on my foot it is a constant reminder that my body is longer my own. 
It also makes me furious that there are women,  or "Aunts" who work to crush all of my beliefs and ambitions. Although I know that the words of the Aunts are ridiculous, it concerns me that many women have already been brainwashed into accepting Gilead. However, I have faith in my beliefs. My outlook towards sexuality, woman’s rights, and freedom will keep my morale alive. Though these beliefs can only be bottled up inside of me right now, they give me hope that what once existed can be apart of my life again.  
Even if I am alone in my desire to escape, I want to prove that there is a limit to totalitarianism. My thoughts, actions, desires are my rightfully my own and I refuse to be controlled by Gilead. A tattoo does not designate Gilead the right to ‘claim’ or control my actions and identity. I have fought for my rights and beliefs for far too long to let it all go to waste now. It frightens me that if I stay any longer I may become like one of the brainwashed women. I fear that I will become so comfortable with captivity to the extent that it begins to feel normal and safe. I am determined to hang onto my beliefs, the very thread of who I am.  My name is Moira, and I will never be ‘Of’ any man. 


littlemissy said...

Oh Moira, so much has happened since you've escaped with Aunt's uniform. It pains me to know that someone who was once a strong fighter has given up the battle Gilead. You were the light that all of the women at the Red Center looked up to because only you were resilient and brave enough to escape.

The last time I saw you at Jezebel, everything about you had changed. The undying spirit that was once within you had totally disappeared. Those eyes of yours that once burned with passion were completely empty and emotionless. I wish that you could read this post and gain back the motivation to fight against Gilead you once had.

- Offred

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